• Physical violence
  Like hitting, kicking, punching, pushing, hair-pulling. Someone may also throw or break things.
• Threats
  This includes threatening to hurt you, another person in your family, or a pet. Or threatening to stop money for food or bills.
• Sexual violence
  Making another person do something sexual when they don’t want to, making someone watch something sexual, or sending or receiving sexual images, videos or messages.
• Controlling someone’s finances
  This includes not allowing somebody to spend their own money. Or not giving them money for basic things such as food, nappies for babies, or clothes.
• Controlling someone’s life
  This could include stopping someone from going to work or school, controlling what you wear, or stopping you from seeing or speaking to people in your life.
• Cultural or ‘honour’ violence
  This includes being hurt or abused as a punishment for something that’s not seen as culturally acceptable by your community or family, or being forced to avoid or stop seeing people outside of your culture. It can include being forced to marry someone.

You can be affected by abuse even when it’s not directed at you, and it’s always okay to get support. Whatever’s happening at home or in your relationship, you’re not alone. 

It’s not always easy to spot when your relationship is becoming unhealthy or abusive. But if something is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then it’s important to talk about it.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship:

• your partner going through your phone, using your passwords or accessing your social media
• being criticised for how you look, or having to change your appearance
• getting bullied, hurt or hit is always abuse
• feeling pressure to do sexual things or send nudes
• being stopped from seeing people, or getting jealous if you do
• feeling like you’re not in control of what you do or say
• receiving gifts, but being made to feel like you need to do something in return

A healthy relationship includes:

• Good communication
  You and your partner can talk openly about things without feeling scared of what might happen, or being judged for what you’ve said.
• Mutual respect
  You listen to each other and respect each other’s boundaries. And nobody does anything to make you feel uncomfortable, scared or humiliated.
• Trust
  You can trust each other without getting jealous, including being able to spend time with other people.
• Honesty
  Being able to say what you think and feel without censoring yourself or worrying what might happen.
• Equality
  Nobody in a relationship should have power over the other person, and it’s never okay one person to force the other to do something.
• Being yourself
  You’re able to keep being yourself, doing things you enjoy and spending time with friends and family outside of the relationship.

Coercive control is when someone tries to manipulate and force someone into doing what they want. This kind of control can build over time, and it’s not always easy to tell when it’s happening.

Coercive control can involve threats or violence, but not always. Some signs of coercive control could be:

• making you feel like you can’t trust your friends or family
• getting you to lie or keep secrets
• making you feel like you owe your partner
• threatening you or saying bad things will happen
• taking control of things like your phone, where you go, and who you see
• threatening to hurt themselves if you don’t want to say
• telling you that they’ll spread rumours, private information, or share your nudes
• withholding affection or threatening to leave

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt yourself or your own judgement. Someone might tell you that things have happened that didn’t, or disagree with you about different details.

The Haven

The Haven Wolverhampton supports women and children who have been subjected to domestic abuse. For advice and support, please contact: